collection of those kind of writings…
***
July 1, 2011 at 6:32 pm
hung by a thread
idiom. meaning: to be in danger of having something unlucky or bad happen.
That’s exactly my life; it is in the hands of those strangers whom in charge with the visa application.
They the ones who decide that I would not be able to support my own life based on papers and presumption only. Probabilities.
They are the one who decide that I might not be able to see my love again.
***
November 12, 2010 at 9:29 pm
new beginning
12 Nov 2010
It’s been 6 days here since I finally move to this city, Yogyakarta. Everyone was trying to convince me not to leave because the Merapi volcano is erupting. It still is. But I always knew that it was my time to go, to move on, to start a new beginning in my life.
Things were a bit dramatic when I was about to leave. My flight was being canceled at least 5 times before I decided to reroute the flight to another city, Solo. I’m glad that I took a wise decision not to take all my luggage to Yogyakarta all at once. It was a very long trip from Jakarta. It took about 9 hours to get here.
My flight was supposed to be at 9.20 AM, but it was delayed for 5 hours. Arriving in Solo, I had to take a taxi from the Adi Sumarmo airport to the (I think it’s) Purwosari train station for IDR 55,000.- Some of passengers who shared the same flight with me from Jakarta, they took a taxi to go to Yogyakarta for IDR 200,500.- one way. Luckily I had only to wait for about half an hour until the Prambanan Express comes. It wasn’t very sure what time it was since the clock on my mobile phone was not correct. I had to move all the numbers from my office handset to my personal one. So it mixed up the setting.
Me traveling with the huge luggage was not convenient at all! First because I had to drag the luggage everywhere and it makes noise! Secondly, the train compartments are just too high, it’s about 50 cm from the ground. I almost missed the train because I could only get on board the last due my big heavy luggage. Luckily, a guy helped me push my luggage on board.
It was almost crowded inside so I had to stand holding on my luggage. Then the
October 31, 2010 at 4:45 am
fear me for there is no more ms. nice me
It’s just doesn’t feel right when someone is too nice to you. There’s always a catch.
I always hate those people who couldn’t keep their promises, those who give such a high expectation. If you knew that you wouldn’t be able to do it, then don’t make any promises and most definitely don’t give someone else such a high hope! So this guy, what I remember most from him is that he could never be able to keep his words. He mostly never comes to the meeting we had planned, even if he did, he never comes on time. He doesn’t even bother to tell me that he would come late, not until I call or send a text. And when he replies, he always gives so many excuses. But whenever he managed to come (late), you can be sure that he didn’t have money in his pocket. And when he has some, he spends it on traveling on the weekends! Learning from experience, I will never trust this guy anymore.
So this guy made a promise to meet my friend at 5 pm and told her that he could only have one hour, until 6 pm. My friend got there 30 minutes before the scheduled time and then I joined her for a late lunch. She told me that she’s going to meet that guy to get the copy of the pictures he took on my birthday last week. Then I told him that you shouldn’t expect him to come at all because he never keeps his promises. To confirm, my friend sent him messages to that guy’s brand new blackberry, but none got through.
It’s 5 o’clock already and she heard nothing from him. Then after waiting for 15 minutes, my friend finally received a message saying that he could only come at 5.30 pm. So we went around the mall to look for eye glasses then we decided to go to another mall across the street. My friend asked me to send that guy a text saying that she expect him to meet her there. He didn’t reply (of course).
I think it’s already at 6.30 when she got another message from that guy; he’s stuck in the traffic, but he didn’t say if they better cancel the rendez-vous or not. Still waiting for him, my friend, another friend and I went shopping and still heard nothing, then we decided to go home.
On our way to home, my other friend received a message from that guy on her blackberry and she asked me to reply to it. The message says “Babe!” and I said “Hey Babe!” I got no reply from him but I was just so upset with him because for the hundredth time he didn’t keep his promise. So I sent him another message: I thought you were going to meet my friend?” He replied: “Stuck in the traffic and battery is low”. I said again: If you really wanted to see her, you should have made an effort. At least you could have tried very hard to leave early to avoid the traffic so you could come on time!” Then he only said: “Boss all tired”. Gosh, he didn’t even try to apologies! But then he sent a message to my friend who’s waiting for him saying that tomorrow he would come to her place wherever it is to give the copy of the pictures. Well, you know what Mister, she wouldn’t be home tomorrow!
Actually this guy wants to have a dinner with me, but as I’ve said before he always cancels it. Now he’s been chasing me again to reschedule the dinner that he cancelled last week. After he broke his promise to my friend, I then sent him a text saying: “Sorry can’t go out with you on Tuesday. So I guess I see you when I see you”.
Then I had another big asshole I was upset with on the same night. He’s the kind of selfish greedy coward who doesn’t respect women. He only wants to have his cake and eat it too! He doesn’t want me but he doesn’t want to let me go either. I’ve had enough of him. I gave him all the facts he couldn’t deny, but he still tried anyway. He’s just a coward who wants to play things safely behind his pretty face and only thinks with his dick!
I maybe was upset with many things, many people tonight, but I believe all the decisions I made were correct. I then deleted many assholes’ phone numbers and at least un-friend-ed few more assholes on my facebook. I also sent some messages to more assholes to cut all the ties. Those coward selfish assholes are poison and I absolutely don’t need them in my life!
So, to all men in the world; you should all fear me, for there is no more Ms. Nice Me! You all should respect women or we make your life hell!
There you go, I’ve said it all. And I will never be silenced by my fear anymore.
***
August 7, 2010 at 1:31 am
femme fatale
A femme fatale is an alluring and seductive woman whose charms ensnare her lovers in bonds of irresistible desire, often leading them into compromising, dangerous, and deadly situations. (www.wikipedia.com)
I watched Salt today. It’s a cool film although it reminds me of Knight and Day, Killers, Date Night and Mr. & Mrs. Smith. All has the same theme. A couple who got into trouble with the shooting and all. Nothing special but those films are still entertaining.
One important things I noticed from films is that a star has to be very fit and healthy to do all those action, and be able to run in high heels for women. Either those women are used to it or the shoes must be very comfortable.
***
June 22, 2010 at 7:39 pm
good night good guy
I have only three more hours before going to the airport to catch my flight back to Jakarta. Almost four hours flight to Doha – Qatar, then an 8-hour transit before taking the next day flight by Qatar Airlines. To be honest, I think the airlines is just OK. Etihad is absolutely much better, especially the in flight entertainment.
The airport in Doha is as small as the one in Abu Dhabi, but more modern and without the weird blue green ceramic tiles which looks like a bee hive in the middle of the building. I don’t know much about the airport in Khartoum. All I know that there’s not too many flights coming in and out. I know so, since Ulf’s apartement is located across the airport. I can see the planes taking off and landing from our bedroom.
The clock is ticking and I’m running out of time. I dont want to leave this place. I guess, packing up and going from one place to another still gives a big trauma. This reminds me the day that we had to leave the house. It is not easy when you have to leave your life behind. To leave the place where you feel safe.
I always feel safe being around Ulf, protected and loved. I always feel like I’m at home, here in Khartoum or in Stockholm with him. And it’s always hard to say good bye because then I know that I will have no one I can lean on once I’m back in Jakarta. Who’s going to soothe my heart when it’s burning? Who’s going to be the one to tell me that everything is alright?
***
September 19, 2009 at 12:35 am
As usual, I spend my nights browsing the internet and waiting for Lasko to come online. Nothing much to do except realizing that everything stays stagnant. Actually things have become uncertain again lately. I keep feeling that there is something haunting me. I am restless and I still dont know exactly what I want. Having a week of holiday makes it worse.
Damn! I dont even know what to write here.
***April 19, 2009 at 6:52 pm
It’s been about a week away from facebook and i feel fine.
Many friends, especially those who often communicate with me, they sent me messages asking why couldnt they find me on facebook again. Some thought that i stopped being friends with them. But i didnt. I just felt like i’ve had enough of facebook. I dont know why, but i’ve had enough of it, at least for a while.
To be honest, it doesnt do me any good at all. I could connect to my friends all over the world, yes. Found new interesting ones as well. But then things were getting overwhelming. Too many insignificant, unnecessary things on facebook. All the not too important updates that take most of my time. It’s not fun anymore. It’s became annoying to me.
Another thing is that, facebook has became less personal. Now everyone that i’ve met, even just for once, asked to be friends with me on facebook. I’ve found less and less personal space for myself.
For me, facebook is a place to connect with my close friends or those that i’ve known well enough. Those i’ve had a good conversation with. But now, it’s not the same anymore.
I have 510 friends on my facebook. I probably know them all. I have my ex-boyfriends there too. So it is a personal space to me. But i dont know.
***
April 11, 2009 at 8:23 pm
knowing
Just spent the afternoon with few friends from the Dutch class. A lunch, a movie then having a cup of coffee at Starbucks. I didnt drink the coffee of course, and got a little disappointed by the taste of the Cheese Danish.
Anyway, we went to see Knowing where Nicholas Cage is the star. I kind of already knew how the plot is, since another friend told me about it. But it seemed that Knowing is better than two other films being screened in the cinema; Fast and Fourious 3 and Monsters VS Aliens. Knowing is a thriller and after fisnish watching it, the film reminds me of The Happening, Final Destination and The War of The World.
Cage looks old, well i’m sure it’s both because of his character in the film and also he’s getting old in the real life.
***
April 5, 2009 at 6:39 pm
So, what’s new now?
Passed the test, well, at least on that stage. I’ve seen a lot and i’ve absolutely learned much too. What’s next?
They say what goes up must goes down. So I am preparing myself for more unpleasant experiences.
***
March 15, 2009 at 3:45 pm
So I’ve moved in to a new place after almost 3 months being a homeless. Still is homeless because i dont have a house since almost 2 years ago, but at least now i can afford my own rented place, a small room.
I paid the rent, alright, withdrew all the money i had in my bank account and now i literary have no more money left. No cash, no more bank savings. Have only two dollar left in my wallet.
***
December 28, 2008 at 8:23 pm
I used to love packing my stuff up, because it means that I am heading somewhere. I had my destinations. I was very proud of it actually.
My family used to move into a new house at least every 5 years, and always into a bigger and better house. As for myself, I enjoyed moving in and out from a rented room to another one. In different part of the city, new city even to a far away island.
I had my best time when I was a flight attendant. Breakfast in Bali, lunch in Singapore, dinner in Sydney. Always traveling. Always somewhere. Always living out of a suitcase. I loved it a lot. Whenever I may go, I always had a place I could call home.
But time goes by so fast and I’m standing still. I don’t see myself going anywhere at all now. Life didn’t turn out like I thought it would be for me. And it’s getting harder everyday.
I thought I have everything that I need to survive, but I was completely wrong.
Now it hurts so bad everytime i have to pack my belongings up again because I know that I have no where to go. Because I don’t know what kind of place where I will be living in.
I don’t have a house anymore or any place I can call my home. It could have been different if just Mom had the courage to fight. It could have been a lot better if Dad was a just man.
But religion teaches the weak ones to accept the injustice with forgiving heart and makes them think that it’s their destiny. While on the other side, those with power use the religion to take away our rights. And God just let it happened. Then in behalf of the God and the religion, people started to force me to do things that I don’t like. Even my dear old Mom has chosen to betray me.
I have nowhere to go, and it is worse when I am running and hiding away from my own family.
So I thought I would be just fine and I was glad because I really didn’t care about money. Money is just money.
But as years gone by, I realize that it is hard to survive with out money. I hate to admit that money is everything. And I am so helpless without it.
***
December 28, 2008 at 2:31 am
Time: that which man is always trying to kill, but which ends in killing him.
I have only less than four more days of stay. Then I will be out of here, on the streets. I will be literary homeless.
My heart keeps on blocking me from writing this down. But my brain says that I need to let everything out other wise I might going to go insane.
Life is hard and it is much harder to me.
I have never thought that I am so close to zero now. No money, no job, no home, no family. Nothing.
I have tried to see things with positive point of view, but nothing I can understand at the moment.
Everything is so confusing and I cannot find the answers at all.
***
December 19, 2008 at 5:55 am
Someone is making some breakfast downstairs and I can smell it. It’s just a simple fried rice with some shallots and egg. Nothing much but it smells so delicious and brings back the memories when I still had a home. A plate of fried rice always ready on the table as a breakfast and I was always in a hurry to finish it. The fresh morning air, the morning sun and the cats were around me. I really miss those (happy) days when I still have a roof over my head and those I could call as parents. I don’t have those anymore. I don’t have a normal life anymore.
I told Antonello that I was hungry when we skyped the other night. Actually I was hungry because I didn’t have enough to eat and I felt exactly the same thing just like now. Everyday is getting harder and all I can do is trying to survive. It is so frightening when you do not know where to live or what to eat tomorrow.
I have been so ashamed of myself because the only thing I can do is to give everyone sorrow with my stories. I really do not have anything happy to share with my friends lately. And this is so frustrating. I did not mean to make people pity me but I am sure that is how they feel about me right now. I am so ashamed for giving the impression that I was a drama queen just like in a soap opera. But not having a home and not knowing how you are going to survive are very devastating.
***
December 16, 2008 at 2:16 am
you’re never alone
…But when the walls of your world come tumbling down
When you heart starts breaking and there’s no-one around
Just look over your shoulder where ever you roam
And remember, you’re never alone…
Life is never easy. It is getting harder every day.
I thought i would have everything i’ve ever wanted by the age of thirty, but life has chosen it’s own path. It’s a long and widing road, but it is mine.
My life has been though for me for the last two years. It really has taken me down to lowest point of my defense. I’ve been so clueless and helpless. I couldn’t see what was in front of me. I didn’t know where I was heading to. Everything was so dark and gloomy.
It is hard when you have no home. You have no where to go, to hide away from the world when you feel everything is so overwhelming. It is harder when you have no family that could give you support. And I can tell you that it is much worse if you actually are running away from your own family. Hiding away from them.
The 4-letter word, love, whatever it is, has never brought me any happiness at all. Everyone is actually a beast when doing something in the name of love. Love is blind and it blinds you.
From my experiences, I’ve learned not to trust in love. And I’ve lost my believes in family values and relegion too. Thry all have failed to protect me.
So, I’ve been trying so hard to depend on myself only, but it takes a strong me to be an independent person. I might not understand completely what independence is, but I know that a man cannot live alone.
Alone. I think that is how I have been spending my whole life. Unwanted, never good enough for anyone and always been the second best to anyone in the family. So, I have been living my life in any way I can, whatever I think is right.
***
November 22, 2008 at 1:38 am
I’ve been planning to write about this, the connection between the Dutch and Indonesian languages. I had so many things in mind, but always got distracted and ended up doing nothing.
I will have my final exams for this level in December, but first I have to put myself to the test: competing against other students in a quiz on the Taaldag. A classmate and I will be representing our class. The quiz is about a Dutch pop singer, Marco Borsato. Isn’t that cool?! NOT!
I don’t know much about the Dutch language and absolutely know only a little bit about the grammar. But I think I’m doing it pretty well. Thanks to all my Dutch friends whom I’ve been practicing with. No, having a Dutch boyfriend is not the reason why I’m learing the language. I don’t have a boyfriend anyway. I just feel that learning the language is the closest connection I have with the country, despite the facts that I’ve been there, I used to have a Dutch boyfriend, a Dutch boss and many Dutch friends. It’s just some kind of connection I have to make to the past.
The Dutch was here for 350 years, from 1595 until the independence in 1945. As a country which was occupied for such a very long time, they should have been so many legacy left by the Dutch. But no. We don’t even speak the language.
November 19, 2008 at 5:46 am
It ain’t over ’til it’s over
Waiting for the time to take one of my best friends, Nicole to the airport. Should be less than 2 hours from now. And she’s still packing her stuff up. We were driving around the city in taxi to some of our friends’ places. Put few things at Simon’s. Met Rully and gave him few things as well. We supposed to hang up with Robin too, but he’s just got home when we called. So instead, Nicole left her gifts for Robin at my place. Then we went to the Burger King for a very late dinner, at midnight!
It was my first time at the place and also having something to eat there. Well of course, I ordered the chicken burger. Saw few people I know, both senior and junior from the arts institute. In the quarter called Sarinah – Thamrin, you can find many restaurants, café and bars open 24-hour. I guess that’s why most of friends go there. We’re nocturnal. Actually I’ve been at Burger King before, but it was in Göteborg, Sweden in January 2008. I was there for the film festival and had my own seminar. But i think I was there to accompany my friends only.
There is always the first time of everything. First love, first kiss. I dont think I know who my first love is. If they say that first love never dies, well none is alive for me. I believe every man I am with, he is my first love, because each of them gives different and new kind of love. But I can tell you few first experiences of mine and other’s.
My first overseas trip was to Australia in 1996, visiting Sydney and Brisbane. First trip alone was to Cannes – France in 2001, for the film festival. I didnt remember when I tasted my first wine. My first flight as a flight attendant was to Singapore. First foreign boyfriend was Cipta (the question again, have we ever officially lovers?) Claes had his first taste of fried cow lung in Bogor and my first snorkeling with him too. Stefan had his first guava (juice) in Cairo. Thomas and I had our Chinese warm wine in Jakarta (it was horrible!) and I also had a flaming liquor with him. My first duck confit with Orlow. Giovanni had his first snake fruit here and I experienced bowling, billiards and the first beautiful birthday ever with him!
Anyway, Fergus called when we were at Simon’s. He was on his way to meet me at my place. I completely forgot that he made a plan to meet up last night after he’s done working. I called him in the afternoon. I was so sad and confused and needed someone to hear to my crying. My dear Fergus, he’s always there everytime in my trouble times. I’m so happy for him that he’s found the right woman and a baby is on its way. I envy them so much for the love and affection they have for each other.
I called Thomas too. It was so nice to hear his voice again, his English with Danish accent. He knew I was sad, but I couldn’t talk too long on the phone. Yeah, I should have told them everything and could have used his advice about the golden rules. But I am glad, that I still have him and he is always ready to help me within his capabilities and means. I wonder if I’ll ever see him again.
Had a discussion with Christian about love. Then i found out what men are looking for from a women, especially about white men and Indonesian women. It’s sexiness, eroticism that they see in a dark-skinned woman. A woman who really uses her body to attract white foreign men. The “Bule Hunter”. It’s not for the real love, but for a fast love and definetely for the money. But hey, it works all the time! I notice that it’s much easier to get a man just for fun or just for a short term relationship then for a serious one. Christian also said that it is scary when a woman gives herself to you. Is that true?
I told him now I know why it’s impossible for me to win the competition against those women. I do not use my body to get closer to men. I dont like to have dark skin. I will not change the colour of my hair to look exotic. And I dont like wearing those sexy kind of dresses. I even once told Giovanni not to ask me to turn myself into those kind of women. It’s not me at all.
I could have visited the city three years ago, but i decided not to.
But i always have my second chances and everything has its own right time. So here I am in Cairo for two weeks.
I thought it would be much warmer here in Cairo than in Jakarta, so i was so ready with my long sleeves shirts. But I came in the right time, in the spring (March to May), which i think in the evening it’s actually quite cold for me.
In general the city is nice, but old and dirty. Seeing it from the high about when i was about to land, all i could see was desert and almost no trees at all. Everything looks like been painted with the same color: sand.
The men are cute enough for you who like Arabs. The women surely beautiful with perfect nose.
***
nov 11, 2008 at 12.54 am
I really don’t know where to start.
Been trying to find the right song to discribe how i feel, but i guess Miles Away is the best one for now.
Been trying so hard to cry, but emptiness is the only thing left in my heart.
But i cried.
***
sep 12, 2008 at 1.59 am
Another sleepless night.
***
aug 24, 2008 at 2.51 pm
I’ve been living out of suitcases for the last few weeks. Stay at my own place, house sitting, a studio apartment or just simply crash into a friend’s bed!
Now i know hiding away, running away is not an easy thing to do at all. I really wish i could afford to rent a new place.
