It’s 4.30 Saturday morning. In the shared kitchen, some of my housemates are making breakfast. It’s a very early breakfast which has to be done before the break of dawn. Then they will be fasting, no more eating and drinking for the rest of the day. They must not show any negative emotions either. When the sun sets, they will break the fasting. It’s the thirteenth day, so they still have to fast for another 16 days.
My bedroom is quite special. It’s the biggest one in the house but no sunlight or fresh air. And I can smell anything here; good and bad, especially when they forgot to turn on the fan in the kitchen. Just like I can smell the food they’re cooking right now. Only the smell I receive, never the food. So, it can be very depressing staying in this cave, especially when having no job just like now.
It’s been two months since I resigned from my last employment and returned to this polluted crowded city, Jakarta. Soon, after the Ramadan is over, even more people will come to this city to look for jobs. It is definitely not a nice feeling at all, having no job and no income. I still can survive, but I also know that I can’t continue being like this any longer. I’m running out the money.
For the first month I was back in Jakarta, it was definitely a hell. I was living in limbo, my life was in the hand of those visa people. And for the second time, they refused my application because they think that I would not return to Indonesia from my holiday. So I was waiting and waiting. It took only three days for them to give the refusal, but instead I had to wait for one month until I hear something from them. The upsetting part was, they actually already made the refusal decision in one week, but they didn’t forward my application to the visa office for collection, not until my ex boss sent them an email. It was definitely not nice hanging someone’s life by a thread, especially when the person was not given the chance to explain. All I wanted is to have a vacation, a break that I deserve. And the fact that I used to serve their country and government didn’t mean a thing at all.
Sometimes I think it is just a lot easy for a girl who does not even speak the language to enter the country for a marriage. Probably because she is not a threat to steal their jobs, just being a stay home wife. Maybe this is why they are problems with the immigrants in Europe. They don’t speak the language, don’t mingle with the locals but still they live and work there. So I guess this is why there’s a saying, when in Rome do as the Romans do. But I believe the government and their immigration policy are also to be blamed for those problems.
And whom should I blame for the situation I’m in now? No one except myself. The only one who can change my life is myself. A friend said that I have to offer myself a chance and I don’t need a savior, but a guide.
I am so upset with myself now because I know that I’ve been wasting my time for two months and maybe more until I could find a job. I feel disappointed with myself because I have to start from the scratch again. I should have not been here at all. The money was good and maybe it was a mistake leaving the job, but I didn’t feel happy when I was there.
If I may say, the bright side is, I can see again who is friend or foe. I really hope that I have not let them down, those good friends of mine. I also think that I actually do deserve this break (without having to think about running out the money) and I can be as lazy as what Bruno Mars sings in his Lazy Song; today I don’t feel like doing anything, I just wanna lay in my bed… But doing it everyday is just too much!
Going to the gym still doesn’t help much with the insomnia I have and I’ve turned into a nocturnal too! I feel so bad every time I see my housemates are getting up in the morning, going to work, living their lives etc. Me, even my stuff are still neatly packed in those luggage. I’ve been living in someone else’s room and with someone else’s stuff. I don’t know where I’m going to live next month since the owner of this bedroom will return soon.
Bla bla bla… sorry for the whining. I know I have to do change, to be in charge with my own life. But still, it feels good to let everything out. I have job applications to submit, fat to burn and brain to occupy. Wish me luck!
5.30 am now, and I’ve just made a promise to myself to stand on my feet again. Thank you for the support, guys! 
winda…..