I was sitting in the library again. It’s been more than a year since the last time I did it. Now, they’ve changed the system again. I didn’t go to the library often, but every time I’m here, the system is always different. They have a bigger place now, although I wasnt sure if the book collection is better. But if someday I have to go, I would donate all my books to this library. At least then know that my books would be useful to people. I’ve been waiting until that day finally comes.
I was planning to work here in the library instead of sitting at my desk in the office. I tried to work a little bit, but the only thing I wanted to do was writing. I always got confused about which grammar I have to use. But what the hell. I should kept on writing.
So yes, I was here about a year ago. But it was a happy time for me. I was jobless as usual but I had a boyfriend, Giovanni. I sometimes spent my time here just to read or to get free internet connection. My life was so sad and happy at the same time. I didn’t have much money left but I didn’t really want to do anything either. But I knew that I had to keep myself busy.
I felt that where ever I go, the road was getting further and further. It was not easy to make myself taking that road. I felt like I was the poorest man on earth. But walking was the only thing I could do. People probably could see how sad my face was. Just walking and comparing myself to those lucky people who I met on the streets.
So I took the same road again today and feeling exactly just like I felt a year ago. I felt like standing on the crossroad again. I had no destination, no place to go. I walked as fast as I could and then jumped into a bus to take me to the library. The same sad city. It’s the same sad people who I’ve seen. It’s the same pathetic me, that I’ve always known.
I jumped off the bus but the driver didn’t even bother to stop the bus or at least to take the bus closer to the shelter. So I got off literary in the middle of the street while trying to save myself from the motorbikes. I crossed the bridge which was full of many baggers and sellers. I took a look at those old female beggars, hoping that none of them was my own mother. I was sure that she has been making up stories about a bad daughter I was so the whole world would pity her. A couple of men were asking for charity. One was standing on one end of the bridge handing the passer-by envelopes, while his partner was standing in the middle of the bridge asking for the envelopes to be returned. If you took the envelope, you are expected to put some money in then return it to the other man. But I believe that it’s all a scam. The money never goes to the mosques or any orphanages.
Then in the middle of the bridge I saw a man selling shocking pink cotton candy. I actually wanted to buy a bag of it, but then I saw that man was smoking with his empty eyes looking to an infinite direction. So, I was just keep on walking. Actually, I bought some a few days ago in Pasar Baru. I didn’t really want to buy it but I just felt sorry for the old seller. So I bought a bag of cotton candy, a kilo of snack fruits and a bag of filled fried cassava. All from three different old men sellers. Looking at those old men kind of reminds me of my own father, and it makes me sad.
I crossed over the bridge heading to the building in front of me to get some cash. I needed some money to renew my library membership. So I went to the ATM then again, another memory came to me. It was in 2007, I came to a bank with my boyfriend back then, Claes. He owed me some money, so we went to the bank to deposit the money. But since my saving was in the local currency, so we had to go the a money changer upstairs then returned to the bank. I remembered very well how those tellers were looking at us. They made me feel like I was a call girl whom just got paid from her customer!
But yeah, still I went to that bank to withdraw some money. The bank was not the only place that reminds me of Claes. Actually the building that I’ve been working at, could be a prefect place to see him again. I knew that he’s in charge of a project in South East Asia, so he could be there every time he has to make a report to his partner’s office. I sometimes imagined that he was walking toward me or he would probably be sitting with those big fat consultants in Starbucks. Then I would just scream his name and he would be just being so awkward about it. I missed him so much. How I really wish things could have been different between us.
Remembering those, I continued walking to the restaurant. I saw a mother and her son eating there too. I envied them so much. I saw a weird man making friends with the other customers in the restaurant, while an old man over there put his ice cream into the drink and mixed them up.
I ate without knowing the reason why I chose to have those kind of food. Then I kind of remembered a date that I have a couple of nights ago. I met this guy at a party while lining up for the dinner. I was with my boss and I told him that there was nothing I could eat from this table. He asked me why. I said because I’m a vegetarian. But before I could finish my sentence telling him that I still eat a certain kind of food, then this guy, out of no where, just told me that there are vegetarian food on the other table. Then we lined up together but I didn’t have a chance to explain him that I was only a semi-vegetarian. So when I chose shrimps for my pasta, he didn’t let me choose that. So, I chose asparagus instead! But yeah, we had a great date.
So there I was at the library feeling kind of lonely and sad. I had good friends but they are always nowhere to be found when they are having fun. Without me. That was actually the real reason why I sometimes felt so upset lately. Maybe I was just exaggerating or just having a depression attack. Maybe I wasn’t there either when things were better for me.
I had no family. But when I couldn’t find my so-called good friends, whom else should I lean on to?
