Outside, the girls, my housemates were chatting loudly. They do that all the time, hanging around in the kitchen until late night. This time, they were celebrating the birthday of one of girls. A chocolate cake was served on the table. I had a slice myself. I arrived home when they were cutting it. I wondered if I have to buy them a cake for my birthday on Saturday as well.

I am not that close with anyone here. I do not want to make friends. Not too close. I stay in my room and only go out to take a shower or go to office. I need my own space since I do not have anywhere else to go or stay except this small room. The fan is on all the time since there is no fresh air flowing in from the window. Neither I have the sunlight.  I do not have TV, but since my room is next to the living room and they always turn it out loud, so yes, I could hear all the bad soap operas, game shows. But I never watch them. And they do not watch any news programs either except for the celebrity gossips.

My (bed) room is packed with all the belongings that I have left. Not that many and they are only few basic things that i really need. My life is so simple (is it?): get up, go to work, do things after work, go home, take a shower, spend time online then go to sleep. I am a loner, I like being alone. But i do not like feeling lonely. No one does.

It is so messy, exactly just like my life. I never had the will to tidy it up because I keep feeling that I will not be staying here for too long. I am only transiting. But where to? Living and moving from one place to another helps me to make choices. I learned to choose which is important and which one is not. And a human actually does not need that much to survive.

I have managed to survive so far, especially during the last two difficult years. When I feel things are just to much for me then it always cross my mind just surrender. I never expect that much from life either. What else do I have left when the only family I have left stabbed me in the back? (I do love you, Mom, but I have had enough!). Gosh, the pain is still there.

And love, is there something as such?

Sometimes I feel like a fake every time I see myself smiling with that big smile on my face. I was smiling, I am. But I guess I could fake it easily. My smile was not like that before. That big smile I have was created during my initial training as a flight attendant . The trainer asked us to smile in front of the other student; with lips closed or a grin. That other student said that I look better with the big grin on my face. So I started to draw back the lips and reveal the teeth. I do look much better. I had my perfect picture taken with the perfect hair, make up and of course the perfect smile for my flight attendant ID card. I love that picture so much, I even told the HR people that the card was lost so I could keep it when my contract was over. So, I believe as long as I could put that perfect smile on my face, people would not need to know how I really feel deep down inside.

Other thing that I have been faking ridiculously is the way I walk every time I am passing that handsome colleague of mine at the office. I know that I will walk awkwardly and get so many butterflies in my stomach every time I see his face when entering the room.  I try so hard not to notice him and desperately hope that there is something much more interesting  than him at the end of the room. But there is none! The sad part is that he does not even notice or talk to me! (I think it is because he knows that he would not be able to resist me!). My eyes are so well trained to spot those good looking men! And having a crush on is what keeps me alive. I just realize that it is actually my pain killer. I like being flirty!

Life is… I do not know. I thought I was happy. I thought I knew what I want already. But maybe I am. Maybe I do. Perhaps I just do not understand everything yet. But I have come this far. Not rich yet, still homeless, and found no love yet, but I think my life is just fine. Looking back, my life has been so colorful with experience. Thirty years is a long time already. I do not know where I am going to, but I am sure that I will get there someday. Somehow.

Thirty years.  I have been the person I wanted to be, I think. I have found good friends to replace my family. I have found so many homes when I am homeless. I have my experiences to help me survive. But still I do not have enough of them yet. And I can be only me. No body else I would rather be.

Thirty years. I am thanking my good friends and those who have helped and supported me. Those I still remember and those I have forgotten. The new and old ones. Thank you! I hope to keep our friendships for another thirty years ahead.

30 years…I have no regrets at all and I’ll always be flirty ;)

Jakarta, 23h15m left to my birthday.

* Quote by Dane Peddigrew