I ate too much! Nothing felt right. Too much of everything is not good, they say.

I had a portion of chicken satay with the peanut sauce. Delicious! I should have listened to myself, I bought enough fritters, those should be enough for my dinner. But still I bought the satay and the extra crackers. So there I was feeling uncomfortable for having too much food in my stomach.

Chicken satay that we have here is the best! I’ve tried some different style of it, in few countries, but they didn’t taste the same at all. The secret is in the peanut sauce. You can have the smoothest sauce but expensive at the Satay House Senayan. Or just the regular cheap ones at the food stalls on the street. If there is chicken satay, then you will find that the lamb satay is also available. For the lamb ones, mostly they are served with the Soya sauce only. Oh, by the way, I don’t eat the lamb ones. I don’t eat red meat.

What do I like from the chicken satay? I like the smell of the fume produced when they grill them on charcoals. The peanut sauce and all the things in it; salt, sugar and sweet Soya sauce, make the satay smell so nice. It’s much batter than the cigarette smoke and the dark one from the cars passing by, I promise! Although some people say that the fume also contributes to the global warming! Oh, come on! It’s nothing compared to the everything else! They also said that it causes cancer. Compared to smoking?! I’ve never heard that people could actually died because they inhale too much fume from the satay, but I don’t thing that people would be that stupid to kill themselves by eating the bamboo skewers either!

Anyway, most of the time I buy the satay from the street vendors. There is one quite close from my tiny box. It cost about US$ 1 per portion; 10 skewers of chicken satay and 2 rolls of steamed rice wrapped in banana leaves. A tiny bag of crackers made from the squashed fried melinjo seeds, is only about US$ 0,20. Since the government, just recently have decided to make the price of the gasoline 20% higher, so I thought the price of the satay would be a little bit expensive. I was hoping that it might increase at least US$ 0,10 per portion. But it didn’t! I still paid the same price as before.

Waiting for my satay, there were two girls and a man on the bench next to me. One girl was younger than the other, but both of them were wearing tight t-shirts and jeans. The man with a quite long hair was smoking. I hate that! If the wind didn’t blow the smoke to my direction, that would be okay, but it did. So I tried to avoid the smoke as much as I could. I wonder if the law of prohibiting people from smoking in public places in Jakarta is still valid?

Like it or not, I was eavesdropping to the conversation. Well, they were half screaming anyway, in a weird Jakarta accent! They’ve tried to make themselves sound cool. I believed the girls were trying to impress the man, but I was also sure that they’ve known for quite a while. In one of the phone conversation with another friend, the man said that he didn’t have much money. If he did, he would take the girls to the Iguana. I knew what Iguana is, I sometimes passed it on my way to the gym. It’s a pub at a low class hotel, which most of the times has Dangdut shows. I believed most the singers were newcomers to the business.

Then a phone was ringing. The older said to the man, that it must have been a call from his friend. Laughing, the man said it’s not his phone ringing, but it’s hers. Then both of the girls stepped away from the man to take the call. Still laughing, then the man said to us that those girlfriends he had were both so dumb! The satay sellers were laughing, one of them even tried to see how my reaction was to the joke. I didn’t react at all. I felt so insulted by the cheap joke the man made. So I gave them the angry face instead.

If they were dumb, so who’s fault would it be? Why didn’t the man educate them? I didn’t think that he would. He likes having those women as girlfriends so he could fool and use them all the time! And why the women want to have him for? A man that could not give respects at all! They were still there when I went home.

Then I ate my dinner. As I’ve mentioned, it’s way too much for me, but I had to eat them all. So I mixed them together; the fritters and the satay. My dinner didn’t taste that delicious anymore. Too many pieces of fritters; spring rolls, mixed veggies and the sticky sago. I bought them US$ 0,50 from a street vendor in front of the arts center park.

I thought there wouldn’t be anymore street vendors there, not last week. There were some municipal securities guarding the park. So there should be someone important from the government visiting, maybe to one of the arts events there. The park was clean, people could just sit there on the terrace with a view directly to the street, without any stalls blocking.

It was like that at least 10 years ago, until we had the economy crises. The prices went higher and higher, so many factories had gone into bankruptcy, people lost their jobs, while the rich people could only get much more richer. So in early 1998, students were marching on the streets, protesting to the government and demanding the president to resign. It was during the Suharto’s time.

I also marched with my fellow students from the Arts Institute. But we did it differently, by performing arts. I listened to the orations those student leaders gave, under the sun. We were wearing the Institute’s jacket so we would know if there were some strangers or provocateurs getting involved and trying to turn things into a bad situation. I didn’t really agree to what we did, but as a freshman, it was so fun to do it. And after marched, we went somewhere nice; to the parks!

Then things got worse. The police and military started to fire, there were even some hit men hired to shoot on people. In mid May 1998, some students got shot and things became out of control. A huge riot!

I and my boyfriend back then were driving near the university just a day before the shooting. It was so tense, but nothing happened. So I still went to the Institute the next day. The radio was on all day, all of us were so sensitive to the newest updates.

Then suddenly we heard some shootings, they should be quite near from the Institute. They said that an electronic market had just got burned and people were looting stores and houses. We could see big dark smoke rising from where we were standing. The teachers warned us not to go anywhere because it was so dangerous outside the Arts Institute. Somehow, we were protected and the Institute was in a way a sanctuary.

Everything got worst and worst. Many places were burned down, the looting, women got raped and people were trapped in burning buildings. It was not only in Jakarta, other part of Indonesia were in riots as well.

So we all stayed overnight at the Institute, trapped. I believed we were sleeping in classes. My boyfriend was there with me, and then he said that his father’s office was also got looted and burned. While I heard from home that the same things were also happening there. Even my uncle’s car was burned down.

The next day, all of us went home after hearing from the radio that the situation was under control. I asked my boyfriend to take me home, but he refused because he had his own family to worry about. I agreed, but then I guessed that he wouldn’t sacrifice anything for me either. But I had some friends who lived in the same town with me, so I went home with two boys.

It was a long was home. Not too many buses operating, but there wasn’t too many passengers either. We had to wait hours until we found one. But it didn’t go to the regular route since the highways were blocked.

Jakarta was a dead city. Broken windows, burning cars and buildings, almost no one we saw. The streets were blocked, signs saying “We are Muslim, please don’t burn!” were hanging on many doors. When we were passing the university where the shootings took place, we saw the army push some people onto a truck. Maybe they were caught red-handed, looting the stores.

More burning buildings and cars along the way. Trees, street lamps and signs were cut down. Military tanks were patrolling. It was so sad, but also such an amazing thing to witness to. Too many casualties and too much price to pay. Everything was just disappeared in a split second.

Then the student movement was a success, we took over the parliament house. The president agreed to resign. The vice president, B.J. Habibie took his vows as the new president. New government, they called themselves as the Reformation Cabinet.

After the reformation, everybody thought that they had the rights to do anything they like. No rules and laws could stop them doing it. And that’s how there were so many street vendors occupying the terrace of the Arts Center Park.

I’ve never been in the park lately, although I pass it often. I didn’t have anything to do anymore there, and the arts events showing, were not too interesting to me. I did want to see some films at the free cinema, the Kineforum, but instead I went to the regular one on Monday.

My good friend and colleague, Putri & I went directly from the office, walking. It’s just 4 or 5 blocks away to the cinema, about 20 minutes. It was a nice walk; it was in a cloudy afternoon under the trees shade along the way. We were passing those big and expensive houses.

We went to see the Happening, directed by M. Night Shyamalan, which then I noticed that one way or another he always appears in his own films. A good thriller, I closed my eyes often when it was showing all the suicide scenes. But I believed there were few scenes which didn’t make sense. For instance, when Julian (John Leguizamo) and this family in a car, crash themselves to a big tree, because they are all infected. The front part of the car is damaged, of course, the driver might be killed. While Julian himself walks out of the car, confused and then decides to cut himself with a piece of broken glass. But what about the other passengers on the back seat? The crash was not that hard, there should be a big chance that they actually would survive. Julian did, without any bruises at all.

But Mark Wahlberg is a hunk, that’s what my other colleague would say. Hey, I want to have him as my high school teacher too! The first time I had a crush with my teacher, when I was in the elementary school. Then I had some during my time at the Arts Institute.

Then another colleague said that he felt sad and lonely after seeing the movie. I understood what he meant, because I felt the same way too. How I wish that I have someone to love me that much, just like the characters of Mark Wahlberg and his wife in the movie. I’m longing for a man to love me as much as I love him.

But my heart got broken again today. But in a way, I was glad it’s over. I didn’t have to keep on guessing why he’s making distance between us. It’s much clearer to me why he didn’t reply to any of my messages. When he did, it’s just a very short reply; emoticons. But it was a 180 degrees of difference when it’s all started.

I cried a little bit this afternoon, questioning so many things. Why?

But then my dear friend Klaus reminded me that I shouldn’t spend my time running after men! He’s actually right. Why should I spend my precious time thinking about him, the one who didn’t want me? As Lars has always said; I deserve someone better!

So I went to the Pilates class with a broken heart, still. But I knew I would get over it since it’s not going to be an easy Pilates, especially if I had to be the assistant coach again that afternoon. But I didn’t, the class was not full at all. Then the coach said that next Tuesday would be his last time there at the gym. He gave his resignation already, and got offered to a higher position as a manager at a different gym. I said that he couldn’t leave, because I wouldn’t take over the class for him! I was joking of course, I was happy for him, that he had decided to move on, to a better position. Then after rowing, the sauna and being online, I walked home.

I felt all right. I’ve decided that he wouldn’t take me down. He’s just another thing that I had to erase from my mind. Just like that. Hope I wouldn’t have to cry over him anymore. But still, I’ve just got another crack in heart. I’d get over him someday, I’ve never loved him anyway. And when he’s gone, my whole world wouldn’t fall apart. I swore, crossed my broken heart.