Untitled 1

Mmmm…where should I start?

As mentioned on my facebook profile…yes, I was tired and jealous.

I was mentally tired yesterday. Well, having a very bad mood, so I changed my profile picture. Today, I thought I would be better. I was for a while, but then I got physically exhausted.

I couldn’t concentrate in my yoga class. The bad news was, there were only three of us including the instructor. Since none of us were beginners, so she, the instructor decided to go to the next level. I didn’t remember what it’s called, but there were more positions and movements than those we used to do. We did five non-stop sets!

I was sweating a lot in that cold exercise room. I kept feeling that there’s something wrong, nausea. I even lost my balance, fell down and hurt my left knee. What a day! I was so weak.

I was wearing my favorite outfits, because I knew I look good in them So the plan was to do yoga then the cross training downstairs. But I didn’t feel well at all, so I decided to go to the sauna directly instead.

Being in the sauna only helped me a little bit, but it was not hot enough, only 75 degrees. Maybe it’s only been switched on for less than an hour before. Yesterday was even worse. I had to switch it on myself and waited for a while. But it was never hot enough, 45 degrees. It supposed to be 82 degrees. As always, I sat on my favorite corner, closed my eyes and made myself relax. I always felt that I could have fallen asleep there. So nice.

The gym was quite packed, but I didn’t see too many girls in the change room. Good, so I didn’t have to see them running around naked! Still it was a shock to me seeing my own kind in G-strings!

So I chose the shower in the middle. Hey, wasn’t it the spooky shower room?

No, it was not that spooky – spooky. It was just so strange that someone left the shower on with the door closed but no one was inside. The water was already on when I was about to enter the sauna and even after I had finished taking a shower. It’s more than half of an hour already! So there should be something wrong with it or with the person inside it. I was afraid that maybe it was the old woman I saw a while ago taking a shower and then she fell unconsciously. Or maybe a very horny girl was having a very good masturbation, so she had to keep the water running! But why none of the staff tried to check what’s going on? Should I be the one to do it?

I did actually. Well, no towel hung on the door, but the water was running. So I looked down under the glass door. No feet at all! I was praying that there wouldn’t be any feetless ghost taking a shower there! So I opened the door and turned off the shower. I saw nothing except a used sachet of shampoo. The question again: why no one was curious enough to see what was going on in the shower?

Actually my concern was not about whoever the person inside the shower, well, ok, a little bit. But I was upset because she didn’t save the precious water at all! Come on! We were just celebrating the Earth Day and green life style is now a la mode!

Ok, that’s about the spooky shower. And there was nothing spooky when I was in it.

But I was still weak. All I wanted to do was to climb up onto my bed or anyone who was on it and rest I sent few messages to my Italian friend about this, Klaus, telling him how weak I was and decided to buy some fruits to make me feel better. It’s just so nice to have someone to share about my bad days with and he comforts and cheers me up in return, right away! Funny, we’ve never even met each other in person!

So I bought some lemon. I should have bought the orange, but I was so tempted with it’s sunny yellow color. I bought some guava juice as well and drank it right away. Hey, I felt better already! So it must be it: I needed some sugar in my blood. Could it have something to do with the fried rice I made for lunch? It was oily for sure and I believed it could be the first oily meal I’ve ever had in months! Damn, I had to finish the left over for dinner!

Then I decided to go home by bus. I always walk, but I didn’t feel like it. Not tonight. But I still made time to go to an internet café close to my place. I didn’t do much. As always, just checking out on my accounts. I was thinking to close friendster down. It’s not fun anymore. And facebook has been less and less personal as well, so I’ve deleted few applications.

I didn’t want to create an account on facebook at first. So when Fergus invited me to join in, I said no. I told him I have so many accounts already: yahoo, hotmail, gmail, hi5, tagged, friendster, wordpress, etc. I didn’t need a new one. But then when I found out that the man I had a crush on was also on facebook, I asked Fergus to invite me again right away! Hahaha!

But yes, in a way I’ve been using facebook to deliver my “messages” to some people. Just hope they understand my messages well. And yes, one could read easily how my feeling was at the moment from the profile status and even my profile picture.

Still tired and yes, jealous. Well, ok, a bit better now although as always, alone on the weekends.

Now the toilet is for free, Dad!

Like it or not, I had to return to my hometown. I disliked it very much, but I had to take care of the telephone bills. The house has been empty for months, so we decided to block the outgoing telephone calls. So it’s been months since we got evicted from the house. My life just changed in a split second. Again. Just like that. I couldn’t remember exactly when. I didn’t want to remember it.

So, I took that bus again. I could have taken the other number, which exits at the other gate, but I took the one that passes my old house. I was fine, or pretending to be. I could have got off at the entrance of my estate, but I chose to go along with the bus. Well, I didn’t have the keys with me anyway, but I thought it would be nice just to say hello to the house, the trees or maybe I could find some of my cats I left behind.

The entrance was very different. I don’t think that people could sit on the green grass parks anymore. And I believed that the fare of the motorcycle taxis (ojek) were getting much more expensive. But it’s always nice to walk home in the evening.

My parents decided to move in there in 2002, on the same day that I moved out to Kuta – Bali. Dad bought the land then built the house a year earlier. It’s the biggest house ever, which of course I had the biggest bedroom as well. I had a huge bedroom, my own library, a bathtub and two verandas! I painted the room red myself. But until now, I still haven’t got the chance to paint the bathroom and library. My life was in that room.

I don’t know how it is now. Is it dirty? Are the trees ok? Does the monkey ever come back again? Or maybe the lost catfish decided to jump from the gutter back into the pond again? All my cats born there and I helped them with the process. All my pets were also buried there. I really miss the nice smell from the white small flowers, or eating all the fruits from the trees planted by my parents. I miss cleaning the small swimming pool which then turned into a fishpond, then tried to throw the cats into it (it’s always a good excuse to give them a bath!). Or just being lazy under the shade of the trees and being spoiled by the cool breeze. I really miss the afternoon chats with my parents although most of the time we ended up having arguments.

The worst ones were always during our ride down town, mostly to do some shopping. Neither Mom nor I could drive, so it’s always Dad who did it. Well, he never allowed anyone to touch his cars anyway. Dad was Mr. Know-it-all while driving, while Mom was the panicked one. Me, I was just there sitting on the back seat, wishing that I didn’t have to be there with them in the car.

At the malls, it’s always eating first then shopping. That way Dad could just wait in the car or did whatever he liked, after he gave some money to Mom. Dad always chose the safest parking spot and most of the time he always got the same spots. With years of driving experience, he never managed to get the car in the right parking position! That always led to another argument with Mom.

So, anyway, I went to the same mall again. The outside was still the same, but there was not too many people. The first floor still looked the same. Then I rush to find a toilet. I remembered that Dad always asked for a small change from us every time he had to go to a toilet in that mall. So I prepared some as well. But then I realized that the toilet was for free. I didn’t have to pay anymore. Hey Dad, the toilet is for free now!

Then I went upstairs to the second floor, hoping that I would have the same lunch like the one I used to have. But all escalators were off. Ok, maybe they’re just not running, so I climbed up. The food court has been changed into a futsal field, and nothing else. So I went down again and walked myself to a restaurant where me and parents had our last lunch together.

I ordered the meals and sat on the same table. I believed it was a month before Dad got very ill. We didn’t say anything much that day. I remember I was quite upset because Dad had just made some prints of his picture which then he gave them to his family. Attached to each photos was a letter asking them to pray for him when he’s gone.

It was such nonsense to me. Seemed like he wanted to die or prepared to. And I didn’t like that at all. I always dislike people who are giving up on life. Then one month afterwards, he fell ill and died in July.

So, I ate my lunch and the memories kept rushing back to me. I cried. I tried not too, but everything was too painful. Good thing I was wearing my glasses, so no one could see me crying. Unless if they noticed that I was blowing my nose so many times.

It was way too painful when everything was taken away from me just like that. No one cares at all or at least pretend to. None of them cares where we should live or if we can support ourselves to survive. Not a single phone call or just a simple hello, asking how we are now. Those who have claimed themselves as the true worshipers of the religion are actually the devils. They’re all blinded by money. So God, if your religion can not protect me, then count me out of it!

I really had to force myself eating the lunch so I could get out of that mall immediately. I was still crying and hiding behind my glasses while waiting for the bus. I couldn’t stand being in that town any longer. I was always scared when I thought I hear people calling my name. I didn’t want anyone know that I was there. I didn’t want to be there at all. I’ve been hiding and running away.

Then came my bus, this time I chose to take the one that didn’t pass my old house. I got on and ready to get back to reality. I’ve been trying to accept everything. I don’t have regrets at all. Money is just money. And maybe this is my time to be poor again, possess nothing, start all over again. From zero.

So here I am, in my tiny box, writing and crying. Remembering the good old days and trying to survive. But nothing can hold me back here. Not anymore. And yes Dad, the toilet is for free now. You don’t need that small change anymore. Well, we don’t have anymore money, anyway.

life at the gym

I’m kind of new with this life style. I’ve never been a big fan of sports or whatever connected to it, but still i believe i have to be and stay healthy, my on way. Thank God, I’ve always been having the ideal weight for my height. 57 kg for 170 cm is not bad at all, i think

I used to like watching the football when i was a little kid. Together with my father, we went city to city to support our town foot ball club.

I also took a swimming lesson during my years at school, but never really good at it, until now. Had my first experience of snorkeling almost a year ago in Tulamben – Bali, because my boyfriend, back then, in a way “forced” me to join him. So he went diving, i took the easiest one, snorkeling above the beautiful ship wreck. It’s not easy at all, i tell you. I didn’t know to breath properly for the first 15 minutes. Then i finally enjoying it, the time’s up!

As i grow older, i realize that my body won’t be the same again. So it’s time for me to change: I’ve became a member of a gym since January 1st, 2008!

Why now? Well, I’ve told you, I’m getting older and I’ve a promise to myself that I would have a perfect body on  my wedding day. So here I am.

Lost 4 kilos, but still have some problems with the fat on my abs. I think the fat would stay there forever, since i have the “apple” body type anyway. But things will get better, I’m sure.

I though i would change into a happy cheerful person after joining the gym, make new friends and all. But no, I haven’t change that much. It’s never easy for me to make new friends, so i guess I’m not surprised at all if i couldn’t make some here either. I know some people, of course, but that’s all.

What I like from this place is the sauna, pilates and yoga classes and the wall climbing. Although I haven’t try the last one yet. Also the free internet connection which sometimes is not always that good.

The gym is always packed in the afternoon, since most of the members are office workers. I go in the afternoon as well. I’m not an office worker, but afternoon is always nice and less hot, also then I can just walk home afterwards.

What is unique about the women’s locker is that you can smell so many kind of perfume, soap and all those beauty products after we had our showers. So fresh but sometimes it’s too much. Of course we get naked and walk around without any clothes on. I’d like to do that, but i dont think i have enough confidence yet. But always love to look at self in the mirror when I’m soaking wet after spending 15 minutes in the sauna.

Now, there’s something I’d also like say here: i believe most of us do not know about the rules of the sauna. Should we be naked or should we not when we’re having one? Can we bring something there like the body scrubs or olive oil? Could we say anything to a stranger next to us? Is it polite to sit next to someone head when she’s lying down? Should we always sit on the towel or can we sit directly on the bench?

There’s also one place that I haven’t gone to: the men zone! I want to try all those equipments, i really do, but too shy to go there.

Funny, I haven’t seen any cute men at all, at least those according my standards. I always love to see men in shapes, but someone who’s spending too much time at the gym just to build his muscles is really a turn off. Man with giant muscles is not my type, i guess.

But here, it’s been fun here. I like it here. Although now I feel a little bit bored for doing the same kind of exercises all the time. But at least I’m going somewhere, right?